An Open Letter To Denis Leary.

Denis,
This is going to be somewhat of a rant, just to warn you.I know your vagina is very sensitive, so if you need to take a break from reading this shit at any point, I'm giving you permission to go ahead and shove your head up there and use it as a douche. Because after all, you're a giant douche. 


 For starters, it's bad enough you spell your name with only one "N", is this to remind people how much you lack in intellect so they'll laugh at your jokes because they think you're retarded? I know you're going for the whole "I don't give a fuck, you hate me because I'm me and you don't get it" thing but I'm pretty sure I get it and it's just not that funny.
Yeah, yeah yeah. You smoke cigarettes. You know it's bad for you and people give you shit about it, but you do it anyway. You're Denis Leary and you're a badass. Cool. You know who else smokes cigarettes? Everyone in hollywood. Smoking cigarettes is COOL. Or is it only when you do it?
 You're a recovering(?) alcoholic? Even more cool. Didn't Bill Hicks do that whole routine like, 20 years ago? Or is it completely new and original in your case? I can't get over the fact you actually thought people would respect you for ripping off his entire persona the way you did. Did you think people just wouldn't notice? I really hope you two were never as close as the media perceived, because no friend would ever stab another in the back the way you did. 
Were you relieved to see him die of cancer so that you had one less person calling you a no-talent, plagiarizing hack? 
But seriously man, I'm glad someone could make some money off of his material. You know that's what Hicks would have wanted. Someone (especially not himself) to make tons and tons of money telling his jokes while he's six feet underground. 

Did you really name your album "No Cure For Cancer"? You might as well just drive to Leakesville  and piss all over his grave. At least then he wouldn't have been around to witness it. 

Just so you know, there's going to be a package waiting for you backstage after your next show. It's a carton of cigarettes and a note from Bill that says "Wish I had gotten these to you sooner", but I didn't write that. Your buddy Lenny did. 

...and the record begins with a song of rebellion.



Livejournal. Wow. It's been so long. I saw George R. R. Martin still uses one of these so I figured "What the hell, I'm definitely at cool as that guy". Though, I've never written a book about dragons. 

To Do List: 
Write a book about dragons. 


 
Anyway, I decided to start using one of these again in an effort to motivate myself to begin writing some more. $5 says this doesn't last a week. I'm sure the amount of ridicule I'll get for even having one of these accounts is going to be unbearable, but that's tough cookies.

To do list: 
Write a book about a runaway cookie who overcomes obstacles and bands together with a group of cookie misfits and  eventually overthrows the human race and claims Earth as "Cookie-land"
I've got just the name for it too...
 


 
Here's a joke I came up with a couple of minutes ago: So the other day I was talking my aunt, Hilda. She was going on and on about how the key to living a long and healthy life all depends on eating right. Well, I'm no doctor but cigarettes and Oreo's don't seem all that healthy to me.
 


Speaking of oreos, gross. 

On baseball, I just wanted to add that I'm really glad Jeter finally got his 3,000th hit. And do it at home, with a home run. If that's not irony I don't know what irony means. For some reason every time I see that word I feel the need to press my laundry. Weird. But back to DJ, I know he gets a lot of shit for how much he makes, how bad he's been playing, and just the fact that he's a Yankee, but you know what? That's the awesome part about being Derek Jeter. He's been an outstanding player for 15+ seasons and if the Yanks want to give him 15mil because of that, who am I to judge? Well, except for the fact I make like, 100,000th of that. So you know what, Derek Jeter? How about throwing some of that sympathy cash my way. You know the only reason you're making that much is because the Yanks feel bad for you and how much your skills have deteriorated in the past year. The least you could do is slip me a couple bills. Or did you spend it all on that new, fancy swing you got yourself in the off season? You know, the one that lasted like 2 weeks. 
Okay, enough venting. I'm just a little upset I drafted him in the 6th round and he can't even get on base a third of the time. 
 
 
 
Enough baseball already, what happened to football? This lock-out is causing all the greats to try their hand in acting. Which, now that I think about it is a pretty damn good idea. 
 
"What's this? I thought we were going to Waffle-house!"
That gets me every time. 


Okay, time for coffee. I'm surprised I've been functioning this much as it is. 

Maybe my next post will actually be about something, but until next time: